Pluto: Who Am I? by L.J. Barker
Oh woe is me, woe is me! Will no one hear my tale? For mine is the tale of one who is lost in oneself. A tale of gaining and of losing. A tale of victory and defeat. Mine is one for the ages, for my name is Pluto and my question is short and simple, classic and to the point. Mine is the question of one who has lost his way. Who am I?
My tragedy began on March the 24th 1930. Those fools, those scholars who so humorously try to imagine the heavens, those astronomers who hath given only to take away. No, I shall not accuse those whose connection to the naives who wronged me so is no more pronounced than mere title. Perhaps, were those who first gathered round the subject that was me were here today they would oppose my dethroning. Nay, upon further thought, these men were gentlemen of the highest order. There I was, in the galactic ballet I was nothing more than a rock. Just another part of that damned Kuiper belt. I had, no, I have my own planet and still they delegated me to the sidelines and for what you ask? My size! However, I fear I digress. Yes it was on the 24th of the third month I was named. Pluto they called me. Oh, the joy I had! Those simpletons Neptune and Uranus (what a ridiculous name!) they laughed and taunted me for not having been named. I never heard the end of it. At first it was begrudgingly that they accepted I was a planet but good old' Jupiter (Sol bless his heart) sure straightened them out. Truly 'twas the best of times. So it is unfortunate that there is, as I was soon to discover, another part to Dickens' famous line.
For 73 years life was bliss. The other planets had accepted me with open arms. We talked about satellites that Azure, excuse me, Earth sent our way. It's weird; we only just learned of the name that Earth's inhabitants gave their planet. Excuse me, I tend to get sidetracked. Yes I was another one of the planets. However, there was one problem. Eris, or at least, that's what his name is now. You should've heard the racket he made about not being a planet. He declared he was bigger than me, that if I was a planet then he was undeniably a planet. Unfortunately for him Earth has the final say in who's a planet. It used to not be that way but they invented astronomy and a language with which to define us so we figured it only fair to give them that honor. Oh yes Eris was upset, and surely I was upset as well. Before I had been discovered and decreed a planet Eris and I were best friends. Why, one time Neptune sent three moons after me when I insulted Uranus's ridiculous tilt. They're friends and Uranus was still tired from rotating around Sol at a personal best time. I figured I could kick Uranus while he was down. Unfortunately I underestimated my ability to insult Neptune without Pluto hearing said insult, but when those moons got there Eris was right there with Dysnomia (his moon) and we completely dominated.. .ok fine they had us out of orbit for months, but still, at least we were defeated together and of course I talked to Eris when the others weren't around but I couldn't be seen with an unclassified body! So you should've seen Eris' face when he heard about how the Newspapers were calling him the tenth planet! I was very excited for Eris and boy you should've seen Neptune! However, as we would soon find out, our celebration was very preemptive.
So we were happy (except for Uranus and Neptune) for now it seemed the whole gang was going to be getting an upgrade to planetary status. So on September 13, 2006 we held a (again very preemptive) party for Eris and his soon-to-be moon of a planet Dysnomia a party. In the crystal clear vision that comes with hindsight it seems we couldn't have picked an absolute worse day to celebrate. It was on that day that we got the announcement. I was being demoted to a dwarf planet (the nerve!) and Eris was never going to be promoted. All because of three rules. The IAU decision. Three requirements for planet hood that to this day I maintain are arbitrary and meant for the sole purpose of disenfranchising me. They were, as I recall, one must be in orbit with the sun, (check) be large enough to be a rough sphere, (check, and may I point out this is where it should've stopped, I mean is a round object orbiting Sol not a planet? Apparently not) and have, and I quote, "cleared the neighborhood around its orbit." I mean seriously! I don't even fully understand what that is supposed to mean.
So here I sit. As far as anyone seems to be concerned back on Azure, sorry Earth, I'm just some frozen rock floating hi the middle of nowhere. Or, more correctly, a dwarf planet. Oh woe is me, woe is me. Truly 'tis the worst of times. For now I know the answer to my question. I know who I am and truly I wish I didn't.